Callie's Hidden Ptsd
by TrippyHippieGirl
Summary: After Cole's experience, Callie has a moment of weakness that lands her in the ER where Stef discovers Callie has been extensively exposed to abuse
1. Chapter 1

* Chapter 1: Callie's Pov on what happened to Cole and how it gets her to open up

Callie: I had just seen my roommate get carted off in an ambulance a few hours ago, Even if I hadn't let him use my phone he still would of probably gotten the hormones somehow but I feel partially responsible. Coming clean about having known about it wasn't easy but I ended up giving my phone to Rita partially because I didn't want Cole getting a hold of it and getting more of that stuff. When Cole woke up I tried to explain to him that I had turned in my phone and wasn't going to cover for her with that again. "This is your life Cole, you should be living it but taking risks like that.. Things could have been a lot worse are those hormones worth gambling such a big price to pay?" I said to Cole.

"I made a choice and now I have to deal with the consequences its not like you gave me the hormones, I get that I screwed up Callie okay" Cole echoed through the room. "Cole I turned in my phone to Rita, you used it to contact your source and I didn't want to be responsible for you using my phone to get more again, I care about you Cole your almost like a brother to me. it was better for both of us that I turned it in" I said. "If I want to get more I'll find a way, taking away the phone isn't going to stop me, So I overdosed that just means I took to much" Cole said back. "Thats part of the problem Cole you took way to much those hormones screwed up your body and vitals to the point where you could of ended up.." Rita said standing in the doorway with a glass of water .

"We're not against you Cole we're trying to keep you safe, I know life can be hard but if you give up on life, being alive won't have a chance to get better" I say looking at him trying to get through. "Callie's right Cole, think about what she said meanwhile I'm going to search this house inside and out to make sure you don't have anymore of that stuff hidden.. We really do care about you" Rita said as she exited the room. Walking after her "You should check the gutter, anyplace like that it would be an easy place for Cole to have stashed some" I say upset. "Thanks for the tip, I'll make sure to check. Meanwhile keep an eye on Cole and try to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid" Rita said.

Lying back in bed I started to shake my head spinning, My mother died in a car crash when I was just a kid since that happened I had started pushing people away. Ending up in foster care within that week just made me shut out even worse, My father hasn't talked to me since then and it makes me wonder why he never contacted me. He could be shutting people out like I am, it could be any number of things but I still feel screwed up not having contact with biological family, I don't understand. Coles family doesn't talk to him ether and look how hes been coping with it, Look how I've been coping with it the only person I've let get close to me is my little brother Jude even him I've inadvertently pushed away at times.

Sometimes I wish I could be with my mom again but I also realize thats not what she would want it's not that I want to die my life is just a mess and dealing with it isn't exactly my strong point ether. Sure the Fosters wanted to adopt me but I screwed that up by being romantically involved with Brandon and running off, When I found out my dad had been out of jail for over a year and hadn't even tried to contact me something inside me snapped. I suddenly didn't care if I got in trouble again but after I a few hours I realized that it was an impulsive action that should of been done and that I had probably f****** up my life even more. Maybe thats why my dad hasn't contacted me because I keep screwing up, in a way my messed up life is a bit his fault but I also need to take responsibility for my own actions.

I picked up the closest sharpest object I could find holding it up to my wrist it seemed that I was crying hard but why was I crying? was it because I knew what I was thinking about doing or was it something else. Why am I doing this damn it, the sharp pen cap slit into my wrist it didn't feel that painful compared to how much it could of hurt but I feel almost as if I'm in auto pilot the cap keeps moving further up my arm. Blood seeps out suddenly I stop dropping the cap realizing I had just slit my wrist the pain hits me. I start to feel dizzy lightheaded looking down and seeing red I let out a quiet scream feeling my thoughts fade out. I feel my body moving I see my hands on a window what the hell am I doing?! feeling someone trying to pull me back but I feel myself falling through air my body falling hard against the ground.

All I can make out is red grass around me pain overwhelming my body I hear the song 'nobodys home" playing in my head as I loose consciousness feeling as if my head is in the ground and the ground is moving. Things start to blur together I can't tell where I am or what I did that got me here all just that my body hurts, Trying to comprehend whats going on isn't working so well I feel like I'm about to pass out. Suddenly I can't feel myself breathing almost as if I'm outside of my body somewhere above it, still hearing the song playing when it finishes I hear "Because of you" sung by a woman I'm too out of it to remember who. Hearing the song as I seem to become more distant from my body I feel moving but yet stillness what happened to me? I can't seem to remember why is this song playing in my head?.

Trying to open my eyes I see myself inside a dark room getting beaten whipped till my back was cut open and bleeding I start to scream seeing so many people hitting me, smacking me, beating the **** out of me people whipping me, cutting my body open. Red so much blood I scream again even louder hearing a voice I vaguely recognize Get off me please stop your hurting me! Let go of me, Why are you doing this to me? my back is bleeding from the inside out!" I practically yell. Feeling someone shaking me my eyes open I see someone standing at the edge of the bed I can't seem to place who they are I feel an emotion of fear but yet safety at the same time "Where am I?" I stutter a stray tear slipping off my face. "The E.R" I hear a nurse say, Realizing my back is uncovered I start to shake my whole body is uncovered accept for my bra and underpants, I saw a camera snapping pictures of me I pulled a hospital gown around myself.

"What did I do? I screwed up again" I say quietly I see my arm is bandaged up "You slit your wrist with a pen cap and jumped out a window Callie" I hear the woman say. I flashed back briefly seeing the cap slit my arm open vaguely seeing my hands on a window I felt myself fall through air landing hard on the ground my face against red grass seeing red and blacking out hearing 2 songs. Realizing I had reached out my arms I wasn't exactly sure why because I didn't usually let anyone but Jude near me suddenly the woman was hugging me "Stef" I whispered remembering who she was. My mind had subconsciously blocked it out because I was really afraid on some level that she was going reject me and not want anything to do with me or even worse that she was going to beat me like the others did.

I started to cry hard "Please don't scare me like that again!" She said I could see she was crying "If you promise not to abuse me" I say shaking even harder "I promise I won't hurt you (I abruptly pulled my arms tight around her) Callie" She said I hugged her for the first time practically clinging to her. "Jude" I whisper concerned about my little brother "He's okay.. I saw the scars, before it seemed like you were having a flashback" She said I can sense the subject upsets her "My bodys scarred up Stef" I say trying to control my emotions. "What happened to you?" She asks tearing up even more. "You saw my back, the scars all over my body, long scars from lashes, different sizes different shapes, I was hit, slapped, smacked,beaten, whipped and lashed, cut open.. abused like some sort of human punching bag wind up doll a few of those could be cigarette or burns.. Some of those beatings and whippings I took for Jude I dont understand why people did that to me" I say.


	2. Chapter 2

Calle: "Those pictures were for evidence Callie I want you out of that of that place" Stef says "You mean like shipped off to a mental ward?" I started to shake even more "No Sweetie I want you to come home, My father died" She said. "When?" I asked tearing up even more "I don't know yet or what caused it but when I got that call, saying that you were in the er and had jumped out a window and one of your wrist was slit I was so scared that I was going to loose you too" Stef said. "I started to think about how I had ended up in that group home and knew it was somehow my fault I thought maybe if I ended it right then I wouldn't screw up anything else" I say. "Callie it's not completely your fault.. Have you heard of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?" She looked at me "I already know I have it Stef I haven't told to many about it the diagnosis is in my medical records I've tried to keep it hidden from people" I say.

I feel empathy toward Stef right now, loosing a parent is a rough thing to go through now I feel even worse about what I did earlier "Did you ever report the abuse?" She asks "I tried a few times but no one listened I was afraid to speak up, that it might come back on Jude" I said. "I'm sorry I got you sent to a group home, you need help and support not to be pushed away and treated like a part of the system fallen through the cracks" She says. Somethings on my mind that I feel I need to be open to Stef about right now ugh this isn't going to be easy "Theres something I want to be honest with you about.. I'm a Lesbian" I say. "If you wanted me to leave and get out of your life you could of just said so but making a mockery of my sexuality.. You know what Callie you win go get your own apartment I want you out of my life as of right now for good" I imagined her saying but in reality that wasn't what happened.

"I'm glad your being open with me, their's nothing wrong with being a lesbian, bisexual or straight Callie sexual preference isn't something a person can really control but can I ask you something?" She says "Okay sure" I respond. "Why did you pretend to be attracted to Brandon?" She asks "He started coming onto me and kissed me I thought it was what he wanted and I was scared to be honest about my sexuality. I went along with it because it seemed to please him I thought things might get uncomfortable with him if I told him the truth so I let him use me like a wind up doll because thats what I'm used to, I feel 0 romantic attraction to him or any guy and thats the honest truth" I say. "You really should tell him the truth, One of the conditions for coming home is that you break things off with Brandon and have no romantic contact with him" Stef looks at me "Alright I agree to those conditions" I say.

"Are you ready to come out of the hospital though think about it and be honest, I don't want you to leave before your really ready and end up hurting yourself again because if you committed suicide I don't know if I could forgive myself" I see mental pain in her eyes. Another vision popped into my head " It was a failed attempt, heres a different idea I could try to run away again and maybe end up lying in a ditch somewhere dying in the pouring rain" I say coldly. Crying hard again damn it why did I say that "That's not funny or a joking matter Callie" She says crying just as hard as I am "Does it look like I'm joking you don't see my smiling I know its not funny" I say in a low voice. Stef let go of me "You want to be alone by yourself fine I'm leaving to and I don't know if I'll ever be a part of your life again" She said coldly right back at me storming out of the room.

I got up and quickly searched the room for clothes I found a pair of unfamiliar black sweat pants and a long sleeve black shirt I take off the hospital gown and put on the clothes sneaking past an upset Stef. Quickly running through the hospital to the closest exit I see myself running through the parking lot away hitchhiking getting into a car with the first person who stops not caring where their going as long as it's away from here. I see myself struggling with a man suddenly I see my unconscious body in a ditch I'm not breathing it's raining I'm cold and dead what happened to me Suddenly I see myself a pile of old degrading bones. "Callie are you okay?" Stef's voice snaps me out of the horror vision I was having I hug her even tighter hysterical hyperventilating "I love you, I'm sorry" I say practically clinging, squeezing her.

"I love you too Callie, what just happened to you?, Breath sweetie it's okay let it out" She says trying to comfort me. "I'm probably so uptight right now that if I stuck a lump of cole up my butt in 2 hours I'd have a diamond" I say. Those words reminded me of the unpleasant fact that my rectal was scarred open, over multiple times and I don't remember how it happened. "Then maybe you should try taking down the wall you put up" Stef said looking at me "Maybe its just that I'm not used to people being nice to me I'm more used to getting beaten unconscious than to someone hugging me or even just not being mean to me" I whisper.

That statement was true about most of my life since I'd been in foster care "You had a difficult past that doesn't mean you can't have a good future I want to help you Callie but you have to be willing to let me " Stef says. "If I'm strong enough to stand on my own two feet than maybe I'm strong enough to walk out of here and disappear without a trace" I say in a low voice for some reason contemplating the idea. "Please Callie promise me your not going to run away again" she says I let go of her trying to slide to the end of the bed and get up she tries to pull me back but I bolt out of her reach my feet touching the ground as I get up fast. I try to step forward but instead start to fall towards the floor Stef quickly intervenes with my face being smacked by the floor instantly catching me sitting me back down on the bed.

"Maybe I need some help standing up right now that doesn't mean I'm weak.. I promise I'm not going to run away again Stef, You've gotten me to realize running away won't solve my problems" I say we hug again even tighter. "It's okay to be afraid, being scared it means your a human with emotions.. Your not weak Callie you are strong" she says "Stef I can hardly stand up on my own two feet my body is scarred up including my rectal" I say. Maybe I shouldn't of said that last part because now were both crying more again "I'm sorry" She whispers. "I had to get a colonscopy a few years ago a few years ago and they discovered it was scarred open scarred over so many times, I was told it looked old like something that happened when I was a kid, I don't know or remember what happened. I probably shouldn't of mentioned it" I say.

"Whatever happened that caused that it's not your fault, hey I'm glad your being open with me maybe your learning to trust more than you realize" She says but is it a good thing that I've grown to trust her?. "She wants to go home but nobodys home thats where she lies broken inside it's where she lies broken inside no place to dry her eyes broken inside I heard that song when I jumped out the window. I heard the song playing in my head probably because it explains my life in a way, if you want to understand me listen to the words." I said reaching for my phone I put the song on and pressed play. "Well I couldn't tell you why she felt that way" I heard the lyrics to the song that I felt described my life and how I feel, tears slipped off Stef's face as she looked at me as I curled up in a ball in the corner alone.

Sometimes I feel like I'm watching my life from outside my body looking back on it trying to understand my own feelings I felt numb but yet at times I felt so much emotion I could hardly contain it like right now because I never shared that song with anyone before. It was a pretty accurate description of my life and how I feel inside but should I really have gotten onto that deep of a personal level sharing my inner feelings. I had never opened up to anyone like that before not even Jude I suppose this is my way of trying to un-bottle my emotions on some level because I'm balled up alone and crying hard. Almost feeling as if I'm falling and I can't stop myself like I'm in a car stuck in neutral going down a long steep hill that keeps getting lower only when the the road flattens or the car crashes will it stop.

The song ended Stef turned looking at me I saw how hard she was crying we must of reached out towards each other because suddenly we were hugging again "Oh Callie.. Your not alone anymore I'm here for you no matter what" she said. "Thank you, that really means a lot to me most of my life it's been just Jude, I've tried so hard to protect him but life took a tole on me and I'm not sure how much more pain I can handle" I say being honest. "Taking things out on yourself isn't going to help ether" She says "I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you Stef" I say "You really scared me Callie, I don't want to loose you" She says. Starting to feel dizzy as if I'm loosing blood again "Mommy I don't feel so well" I stutter almost slurring my words I try to tug her as if to let her know I'm talking to her, stef looks at me with a caring motherly face that quickly shows a sign of concern I feel my nose bleeding blood seeping onto my lips.

I hear Stef(mom) yelling for a doctor I see tissues under my nose she tries to lean my head back but I let out a cough then another one full of blood I lean over Stef blood coming out of my mouth she puts a barf bowl under my face I grab onto it suddenly puking up blood. White coats I see red so much red "Mom if I don't make it out of this tell Jude I love him, I love you" I stutter puking up multi color red and a coffee ground looking stuff I feel my arm bleeding again. As I start to black out again I vaguely see Stef tearing up "Please stay with me Callie" she says hysterical but my eyes start to shut I feel her holding me up trying not to pass out but my thoughts start to feel distant I hear the song "Time after time" playing in my head. I see Stef reaching for me but I fall out of her reach "If your lost you can look and you will find me time after time if you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting" I hear the words they remind me of the relationship Stef and I have like a mother thats always there unconditionally.

Could this be my subconscious trying to tell me that I want a mom who loves me? as much as I love my biological mom she had a problem with alcohol and probably substance abuse in general she loved me but sometimes she was just so wasted. I had sort of felt like there was a hole in my soul since she died maybe this is my minds way of trying to tell me to trust Stef that maybe she can fill the empty hole in my soul. The song ends I place my hand in Stef's as my thoughts become distant I begin to feel my breathing fading until it seems as if I've left my body not feeling myself breath or a pulse I felt utterly terrified but yet nothingness. Am I dead no I can't be! I couldn't have just left Jude and Stef like that why can't I seem to open my eyes and wake up, an odd sensation sweeps over me as if I really have left my body.

"Callie! Please Callie wake up!" my eyes open instantaneously "thank goodness" I hear stef say "Patient stabilized code blue canceled" I hear a nurse say, gasping for oxygen "Mom" I whisper we hug holding each other close. I feel the tightness in my chest slowly disintegrate as I take deep breaths trying not to completely break down again I try to piece together what just happened confused and disoriented. Looking down at my body realizing I look pale as a sheet "I think I just blinded myself?" I say looking up I'm white enough to be a ghost. "You lost a lot of blood and your vitals took a sudden drop you were having trouble breathing and were past out cold unresponsive but your awake now and alive. Oh Callie I love you so much I don't know what I would have done" she looks into my eyes both of us crying.


	3. Chapter 3

*Jump's ahead a few days the is pretty much the same as in the last 2 episodes Mariana ends up crashing at a friends house for the night while Callie goes home about an hour later she overhears a conversation.

Callies Pov: I hear Lena talking sort of rude to Stef I want to tell Lena to knock it off and shove it but I just sit on the couch listening from afar "Callies really trying to get better Lena I know she may be a bit jumpy at times but that doesn't mean send her back into the system!" Stef says. "Why are you protecting her shes a criminal and I'm not so sure this is a good situation to bring up our kids in I saw some of Jesus's pills were missing Stef" Lena says. "If your accusing Callie of taking his pills than your crossing a line, Shes not a hardened criminal Lena shes a teenager who spent a lot of her life being abused for peets sake she has severe PTSD!" Stef says upset. "I'm sorry I didn't mean that I just snapped I wasn't accusing her I think Jesus has been taking them again and way to many and we missed it!" Lena says coldly.

"You know damn well this isn't about the kids this is about our relationship" Stef says "Its about the fact that your drinking excess caffeine and its not healthy for our relationship!" Lena raises her voice. "I need something to get me through the day with the way I've been feeling lately, Look I can make my own decisions, I don't want to fight with you I love you" I heard Stef she sounded like she was crying. "Fine don't talk to me I'm going to take a long break" Stef said At this point I was upstairs packing a knapsack with a few sets of clothes/socks and a toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant and a charger for my mp4 player. I had a bad feeling I was causing problems, I don't want to cause problems or a burden to anyone I don't know where I'm going to go how am I even going to leave the house Luckily Mariana isn't here right now.

Well it looks like my simplest option is out the window as I'm opening it Stef walks in the room running towards me she pulls me tight into her arms "You promised you wouldn't scare me like that again, if you were feeling that way you should have come to me hey I love you Callie I don't want to loose you" Stef said.I don't know whether to explain I was just going to run away or keep my mouth shut "I heard you and Lena arguing and I thought maybe if I left the two of you would argue less" I say she sees the bag. "Sweetie Lena is ticked off over my caffeine intake because she thinks its effecting my personality negatively I'm stressed out at work and worried" Stef says "Maybe you should try dealing with your problems right now a different way" I say to her. "Are you Suggesting I run away with you?" She says surprised "I'm just saying maybe you should try something else, a different way of dealing with things" I say okay so maybe I'm hinting.

"You know what Callie okay lets try handling things your way but next time you try dealing with things a different more positive productive way" She says uh did Stef just agree to run away with me?!. "Your married though Stef and have 4 other kids I don't want to be a problem or a burden" I say trying to be honest with her "Honestly maybe a break would do me good I think we could both try loosening up a bit" Stef says. "If your serious about this your going to need a few changes of clothes, something Lena is less likely to notice is gone a toothbrush and some deodorant. I'd suggest money unless you want to be wandering the streets like I was the last time" I say, she better call into work and my P.O though if she's serious otherwise well both be in a lot of trouble.

"Your not jumping out that window Callie nether of us are! while I go pack we better think of another way to get out of this house" She says as she walks out of the room, Yeah I'm kinda going to be a bit surprised if Stef actually does this. When she returns with a knapsack slung around her shoulder my eyes get wide "Lets hop in the car before I think to much about this" she says. "We can't take ether of those cars Stef they undoubtedly have tracking devices and first of bringing your cellphone is a big no, Seriously are you sure you want to go through with this?" I look at her, I'm not about to stop her but I want her to make sure she can handle it. " Your right, An old friend owes me a favor should be able to borrow a car from him we'll have to find a pay phone to call from though without a camera" Stef says.

"We have to get past Lena first though Stef" I remind her "I doubt that will be hard to do considering how wrapped up and self absorbed shes being right now we should be able to get out one of the downstairs windows" She says. "Before we go you need to call out of work for however long you think we'll be gone and call my P.O so I don't get taken away from you" I say "Yeah otherwise we'll be in even more trouble" . She picks up her phone and dials her work and leaves a message that shes taking 5 personal days "Should I leave a note for Lena or do I just go?" Stef says "Ah if you leave a note the quicker she'll try to find us" .

"But what if she thinks something bad happened to us?" Stef says "I think maybe thats something, if it crosses her mind than maybe she should think about it" I say to Stef "Okay quietly downstairs out the first window away from Lena's sight we see" Stef says. "Yeah that'll work we need to be quick and really quiet though" I say "Agreed" Stef says as we quickly walk down stairs trying not to make a sound Stef quietly opens a window screen in the hallway. I crawl under the space out the other end Stef tries not to laugh while seeing herself a grown woman climbing out a window I help her shut the screen down and the window as quiet as possible. She lets out a laugh holding my hand.

" I feel such a rush" Stef says we run off past the block down the road for a minute stopping to catch our breath knapsacks around our shoulders this is crazy I'm running away with a grown woman my foster mom let alone. I let out a laugh myself "Hey want to see who can run faster?" I say feeling in an almost playful mood "Oh your on" She says as she starts running as fast as she is somehow I'm running like freaking forrest gump!. Stopping at the end of the block waiting for Stef to catch up "How do you run that fast?" Stef says leaning against a stop sign "I don't know probably couldn't of done it for too long though" I say. "Keep your eye out for a pay-phone with no stores or cameras around it" Stef says "Okay I'm on it " I say.

Blocks pass by nothing but houses finally we start to reach downtown a bit sure theirs phones but all of them are by cameras finally we come across one thats not visible to a camera. Stef puts in 25 cents and dials a number "Hey is this Haze? yeah it's Stef hey you still owe me a favor, I was wondering if I could borrow your spare car for a few days? Okay sure I'm at _ and _ street okay well wait here" Stef hangs up. "He should be here in 10 minutes all we have to do is drop him back off in his direction" I was curious why a guy named haze owed her a favor but shes a cop so I don't ask. "This is so much better than running away alone" I say "Wait here sweetie I need to get out some cash" she darted off a little down the block to an ATM coming back a few minutes later.

"All I have on me right now is 450$ so we're going to have to make that last us okay?" Stef says "Yeah I understand I had no money the last time I ran away" I remind her. "I'd save 50 of that for food" I say "Good point" Stef says "You know I care to much about you and Jude to have ran away by myself again" I say "Then why were you about to jump?" Stef asks me. "When you walked in the room and ran towards me I expected to get beat for a second but you hugged me and showed me love instead. I felt confused part of me wanted to scream that I'm not invisible and I can hear both of you part of me wanted to tell Lena to stop being rude to you and screw off then ran upstairs thinking what if was screwing up your life. So I packed a bag and thought the window was the simplest way out but when I opened it, looked down at the ground and then back at you I realized how important we are to each-other." I say.

"Callie you haven't screwed up my life I can't imagine it without you, No matter what I know we'll try to be there for each-other, when you love someone you accept the good with the bad and you try to help them improve and be themselves. When your feeling scared or confused you can talk to me even if I'm working or busy I'll try to find time to talk to you at some point that day because being a mother isn't a part time job I will always try to be there for you." Stef says. " Your right I'm not a screw up I'm a major F up!" I say my ptsd acting up again why did I say that! "Thats not what I think about you Callie, you know thats not how I feel about you!" Stef says she seems upset with me. I go to get up feeling the urge to run from her I don't want to hurt her but I'm feel afraid of getting hurt myself Stef puts her hand on mine as if using her body language to tell me she doesn't want me to run away from her again.

Sitting back down this time I sit right next to her we hug tight feeling lost in each-others embrace "I'm sorry mom I didnt mean that its the ptsd acting up I don't want to push you away" I tell her "I understand I'm not upset with you I know it's okay" Stef says. "I love you so much mom" I say "I love you too sweetie" Stef looks into my eyes giving me a squeeze she seems to make me feel safe. Why am I having so much trouble learning to stop being afraid of Stef and to not feel like running away from her sometimes when I sense shes upset or I'm scared it, I know why it's my past and the ptsd. Deep inside I know she'd never do anything to hurt me though I trust her more than I've ever trusted anyone but Jude in a long time I'm trying not to let my past run my future no I know I'm not going to let it control my future.


	4. Chapter 4

Callie: After what seemed like many minutes a car pulled up I was surprised to see it was a 1967 ford mustang "Hey Stef it's been a while, hop on in" A guy said I presume Haze he looks about the same age as mom I notice they actually look a little alike. "Callie this is my 3rd cousin Haze Nolina, one of my moms cousin's sons" She says as she motions for me to get into the car "Hi, I'm Stef's daughter" I say shaking his hand. Getting in the front passenger side as he gets in the back seat Stef puts her knapsack in-between the seats with mine and gives her cousin a hug. "Even though we just emailed last week I feel like we haven't talked in a while one of these days we should really catch up" She says putting the car in drive and her foot on the gas peddle driving off into the night.

"Yes we should defiantly catch up, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the wedding but I couldn't get off work doing crisis counseling for the police is a pretty time consuming job" He says. "Well I'm glad you're doing better and holding down your job you we're really struggling with those flashbacks for a while. Hope your at least being more careful if your still using I mean you haven't called me asking me to try and bail you out of possession charges since then but your still my family I care about you" She says theirs an awkward silence. I honestly wouldn't be apposed to getting high myself right now not that I've ever really done that before "Is it just me or do you feel like getting high right now too mom?" I say possibly being overly honest. "I feel like I need something to take the edge off but I'm a cop if I got caught using illegal drugs I could loose my job" She says I know shes right.

Something pops into my head though that might be a potential legal alternative for us to try "There's DXM I've never tried it but It's legal and supposedly can be pretty relaxing" I say though I think it's mostly teens who use it. "Cough medicine? I don't know about that Callie maybe we should just try getting a caffeine buzz instead" She says seeming concerned but intrigued "Um Stef you and Lena got into an argument over your caffeine intake" I say. Okay now I'm starting to wonder if we took things to far running away we didn't even discuss where we're going "I'm the adult Callie Remember?" she says almost as if shes questioning it. "You sure about that Stefanie?" I say almost laughing I've never called her by her full first name before "Please I don't want to be distanced from you too" She says I see stray tears run down her face.

"I'm sorry" I say wiping the tears off her face "I'm sorry too" she whispers "Mom it's okay, having emotions is part of being human" I say trying to help her feel better "Being away from Lena right now is almost making me feel like someone ripped off part of me" She says. "You had an argument that happens to every couple at some-point, It doesn't mean give up on marriage, get a divorce and never see her again just right now you removed yourself temporarily from the situation" I say. "Your right I just need some time to relax and reflect, look at the situation from an outside one, I hope something good comes from us running away at-least" she says. "Sounds like you and your wife had a fight over something that in retrospect wasn't worth the bruised feelings it caused" Haze says "Maybe you have a point Haze" I say.

"Lena brought Callie into the argument for no valid reason other than she was ticked at me she owes in apology to Callie too, I need to not think to deep right now about running away" She says. "If you love Lena with all of your heart and soul if really want to be married to her eventually probably after a few days you'll go back to her even if it's simply because you miss her too much not too" He says rubbing her shoulders for a minute trying to detense her. "Thank you Haze that was deep very intense and thank you for letting me borrow the car, You live in the same place right?" She asks. "Yeah you can drop me on this road though its fine I can walk the rest of the way, and by the way I've done DXM before and it can be a good high depending on the dosage" He says "What's it like?" I ask curious.

"Well that depends on the dose if you do it I don't suggest taking more than a bottle in a half about 450/500mg because if you hit what dxm users refer to as the 4th plateau or the hole which is a very intense 4th you will pretty much black out and most likely have a bad time. Stuck in hallucinations your mind has conjured up it's possible to even have a mental breakdown or panic attacks as a side effect of hitting that plateau if you have flashbacks or bad memories. I personally like the 3rd plateu the best it's sort of like being high and stoned while tripping maybe even being a little drunk too and fyi that syrup doesn't taste pleasant, the pills are easy to down, when pills and syrup are combined though they can potentate each-other a bit. Like I said though be careful with the dose don't take more than about 500mg tops and since you've never done it before try listening to some happy and trippy music. This is important because negative music can effect the trip negatively, lie down in a dimly lit room but light enough you can make out whats around you and close your eyes while listening to the music as you may get closed eye visuals have fun, relax and be careful." He says

"Thanks for the info if I decide to do it I'll keep your advice in mind, you seem to know a lot, very smart and intelligent just like my mom" I say. "Thank you for the complement, I work doing crisis interventions at police stations mostly with suspects but sometimes with the police too, sort of like being a psychiatrist or a shrink accept I don't have credentials that high up" he says. " Luckily you've never had to give me an intervention Haze! we both have hard jobs" She says "Yeah got that right" Haze says, He talks to me a little about how he also has ptsd for a few minutes it sounds like hes had some difficult spots at times. Mom drops him off a little down the road she gets out of the car and hugs him "Thanks again and take care of yourself I'll have the car back to you within 6 days" she says "Take care of yourself too" He says.

Reaching over the car he shakes my hand "It was nice to meet you Callie and try to keep your head up ptsd doesn't have to control the rest of your life just because you had a difficult past doesn't mean you can't have a much better future, your a smart beautiful kind person with a lot of potential" he says to me. "Thank you, I'll see you soon" I say laughing slightly, Mom gets back in the car and drives off Haze seems like a nice I'll probably see him when mom drops off the car well it's nice in a way to know someone else who has ptsd. Mom hasn't said anything about where we're going though does she even know? "Where are we even going?" I ask casually. "I haven't thought that far ahead thanks for reminding me, Is there someplace in California you've always wanted to go but haven't been to?" She asks me.

"I've always wanted to go the Santa Monica Pier since I was a little kid but I never got to go there" I say "Okay Santa Monica it is then!" She says turning on the radio the song "Proud Mary" By CCR comes on "I love this song!" I say "No kidding me too!" she says. Finding myself singing along to the song with mom I laugh slightly then I belt out the chorus "I didn't know you could sing so well wow" she says glancing at me for half a second trying to keep her eyes on the road. "One of my hidden talents, I write some amazing poetry too" I say "I'd love to hear some of your poetry sometime" She says "At some-point sure its not about unicorns and fuzzy toys though" I say jokingly "You are one special person Callie" She says laughing slightly. "So are you" I say returning the complement, she really does mean a lot to me I mean to me shes my mom now even though Jude and I haven't been officially adopted yet.

We drive for whats probably hour, about halfway through the ride it starts pouring rain at the same time "Sultans of swing" By Dire Straits comes on the radio mom and I comment on what a fitting song it is for a rainy day. The fact that I'm referring to her mainly as my mom and not Stef shows that I'm letting her in more allowing her to get closer to me, shes the only person besides Jude I've trusted enough to let get this close to me in a long time. As much as I love Lena and the rest of the family for some reason I seem to have a stronger bond with mom the fact that shes a cop doesn't bother me anymore. I'm sort of surprised of how protective I've felt over her at times though she has really become a mom to me, goes to show DNA doesn't always make a mother love does.

Looking down at the map in my lap "We're only a few towns away just follow the signs" I say "Do you want to stop and pick up something for breakfast before check into a room? Just because we ran away doesn't mean I'm going to let you sleep all day!" She says jokingly smiling a little. "We should pick up some protein bars or something like that, they don't need to be refrigerated so it's a simple option and some ginger-ale" I say. "Sounds like a plan we just need to find someplace thats open" She says, I'm a bit curious to try the dxm and see what its like but I'm not so sure mom is going to be okay with that "Do you still want to get high?" I ask unsure. She gets an uptight look on her face "Yes, I still feel like I need a release" She says back "We could try the dxm , it might be worth giving a shot I mean haze said hes done it and found it pleasant" I say still feeling unsure of how shes going to react.

"Okay we can try it you know what we both need to try and loosen up, Have a fun break we deserve it" She says "I wasn't so sure you could bring yourself to do it, way to go mom!" I say jokingly well sort of joking. " I figure what the heck already took things this far running away with you" She says laughing slightly "We're not going to hit rock bottom or beyond it down the rabbit hole I think things will start to get better soon I hope they do" I say with optimism. "I hope things get better soon too" She says I lean my head against her shoulder tired an weary "We should find a 24 hour store well if we can and then we should find a motel room in Santa Monica because its 1am and I can tell your exhausted too" I say. " Your right I really am tired If we don't come across an open store soon I'm going to just find a motel" She says "This is one of those times when having a cellphone can come in handy" I say seeing the irony.

"We left our phones behind for reason though, we'll just have do without a cellphone for a few days" She says "I have my mp4 but its just a walkman nothing fancy with wifi" I say oh well I guess we'll have to do this the old fashioned way. " it's okay sweetie relax" The way she called me that no one had ever called me sweetie before tears escaped down my face "Your so kind to me" I whisper trying to conceal my emotions. "And your kind to me too" She responds putting one arm around my shoulders I sat there in stillness feeling almost as if my ptsd is arguing with my brain to put my wall back up right now as if I'm trusting her too much. I try to keep on the look out for an open store it's still raining pretty hard the sides of the road are flooding heavy drops of water crashing against the windshield the wipers moving back and forth sliding them to the side almost ticking like a manual clock.

After a few minutes I see a sign lit up that says CVS and 24 hour on the bottom of it "I see something up ahead" mom and I say at the same time we both let a laugh "Do you want to come in or stay in the car?" She asks pulling into the CVS. "I'll come in that way I can choose out something for breakfast" I say though part of me wanted to stay in the car I knew that wasn't such a good idea, I felt the need to be near her. "Okay, How many containers of you know what should we get?" She asks me like haze had said no more than about 500mg. "3 containers should work whatever they have that doesn't have any other active ingredients preferably pills though" I say as we get out of the car almost running to the door. "Stay near me Callie" She says looking at me for a second I put my hand in hers as we walk inside I know shes just trying to be on the safe side.

I walk with her down the snack isle first picking up a container of diet ginger-ale for my stomach encase I need it and simply because we're going to need something to drink, Then we walk to the nutrition isle Picking out a box of vanilla caramel protein bars and handing them to her. "Those look good" She says "Yeah they do" I say trying not to show much emotion lastly we walk to the cough/cold section in one of the isles I scan looking for something usable seeing 3 containers of generic dxm only pills on the shelf that was all they had that was plain they didn't have any plain dxm syrup. Mom picks up the containers and we walk to the cash register I guess the man at the check out figured we were sick or just didn't care because he rang everything up without even looking at us, thats a good thing. I carry out both bags in one hand "I would have carried it, thank you though I appreciate it" She says as we get into the car.

"Your my mom I was trying to be polite I know your tired and worn out" I respond almost defensively as she pulls out turning back onto the road seeing the dark circles that have formed under her eyes "I didn't say their was anything wrong with that sweetie" she says. I start to tear up again, she makes it hard for me to push her away when shes so nice to me I don't want to push her away its the ptsd thats causing it. A few minutes later I see a sign that says we're officially in Santa Monica "It says the pier is towards the left on _ road lets see if we can get a room at a motel that we can walk to it fairly easy from" I say. "Good idea" She says after a a few blocks she turns left onto the road I keep my eyes out for a motel anyone with a vacancy at this point.

I see a motel with a vacancy sign in the distance "I see one up ahead a few blocks on the left" I say seeing the pier in the distance, neon lights from amusement park rides I had always wanted to go to the amusement park. It was the first amusement park to have a solar powered ferris wheel one of the things about it that I liked, Mom turns into the parking lot she puts the car into park and takes the keys out of the ignition the radio shuts off. She gets out of the car heading towards the office almost as if shes upset with me for some reason but shes probably just tired I make sure the doors are locked and take out all the bags in the car. Carrying them I scurry under the tiny amount of roof to the side of the office I take the 20$ bill mom gave me earlier out of my front pocket putting it in my knapsack trying not to cry again right now but my body starts to tremble with fear what if she abandons me?.

Trying to shake off that thought tears roll of my face I begin to feel my body slipping slightly I rest my back against the wall, I can feel the scared look thats on my face right now the utter fear in my eyes locking eyes with mom for a second as she walks out the office door. I shake blocking my body in a protective stance as she runs towards me "Come here love" She says as she hugs me I seem to immediately stop blocking my body wrapping my arms tight around her. No one had ever called me love before ether "I love you mom" I say squeezing her I know shes not going to abandon me "I love you too Callie" she says kissing me on the forehead "I'm sorry" I whisper she looks deep into my eyes I see a motherly look of love and concern on her face. "You didn't do anything wrong, I promise your safe with me I'll never do anything to intentionally hurt you" she says I can by the look of pure love in her eyes shes telling me the truth.

"I don't know what I'd do without you mom" I say "I don't know what I'd do without you ether Callie" She says slurring her speech slightly her eyes shut "Okay I really need to get you to the room before you pass out" I say quickly her eyes open halfway. I let go of her slightly to move my arm up under her shoulders trying to support her up glancing at the key it says 9 on it I walk her over to the room its the 3rd to last on the right her eyes are shut again. I take the key from her hand unlocking the door I open it walking through the door re-locking the room from the outside quickly shutting the door and turning on a light. Lying her down on the bed shes passed out cold, I put the bags down in-front of the bed then I tuck my mom into bed placing a blanket over her and give her a kiss on the back of her hand heading off to the bathroom.

What I had wanted to do was give her a kiss on the cheek or forehead but I was sort of afraid to and didn't want to wake her up I shut the bathroom door it was a smallish bathroom but it had the basics a shower/bathtub, towels, soap, a toilet and a sink. There was a travel size bottle of 2 in 1 baby shampoo/conditioner in the bathtub, I use the toilet and wash my hands putting a little water on my face drying my hands. I leave on the bathroom light with the door it half open and turn out the other light I see a digital clock on the nightstand type thingie on the left side of the bed I set it for 8am seeing as its 1:45 now and we both need the sleep. It will be nice to sleep in even though 6 hours of sleep isn't that much, I climb in the right side of the bed opposite mom I find myself curling up next to her.

Putting my arm around her I rest my head on her shoulder I realize I'm basically cuddling with my passed out mom even though she may not biologically be my parent shes the best mom I could ask or wish for in a lot of ways but no ones perfect. The fact that I'm lying down on a bed seems to settle in because I yawn suddenly feeling more sleepy tiredness creeping up on me I'll be really surprised if I can actually sleep through an hour though. "Goodnight mommy I love you" I whisper even though shes to incapacitated to hear me, well at least one of us is getting some rest I suppose. My thoughts start to fade part of me doesn't want to go to sleep but I need to sleep to keep myself healthy and alive I feel my arm around my mom, I don't need a teddy bear I have my mom to hold onto wait I don't remember ever having a teddy bear(Callie falls Asleep).


	5. Chapter 5

*Chapter starts off with Callies dream

Callie: I look at myself lying in a black plastic bag thrown away left in a ditch like trash suddenly I see me hanging myself, then I'm slitting my wrists I hear myself screaming for help screaming that I don't want to do that, I hear myself scream that I don't want to die. Banging my head into a mirror I see myself being beat I see my body scarred up cut open bleeding bruiesed so many times cut open please I don't want to end up like this. Suddenly I see my mom(Stef) lying in a bed staring at me her eyes wide open but shes not moving I realize shes dead her body bleeding red so much red, Does every mother I have die?!. I just want a mother that loves me am I not allowed to have that? am I so screwed up that no one will ever want me? No my mom want me she loves me I know she wouldn't purpously hurt me ever.

Liam is standing over my body I'm dead he killed me and my mom, I'm dead no theirs a restraining order out against him my dreams are probably screwing with me I want to wake up I don't want to be stuck in this nightmare anymore! Wake up Callie. I see myself running away running endlessly getting into a car with a stranger I see my body again lying in a ditch cut open in the rain wake up Callie you don't want to be stuck in this nightmare!. No I don't want to die I'm not ready to die I should get to have a long life a head of me I should get to see things get better to have a better life with a family a mother that cares about me. I care about myself I love myself I wouldn't just get into a car with a stranger I'm not a wind up doll I don't want to people to treat me like one, feeling very upset.

Suddenly I wake up seeing my mom still asleep next to me It's only been 30 minutes I detach myself from her crawling over to the end of the bed I get out my small notepad and a pen from my knapsack. I uncap the pen it's a fresh notebook I start to write letting out my emotions wiping the tears from my face the pen glides onto the white paper staining it with the black ink.

_Ink stains the white paper leaving marks on it like the scars on my body and the mental scar ptsd has left a mark on me _

_3AM silence fills my ears sitting in a dark room feeling like a deep blue glass bottle _

_One thats spilling over with tears and emotions, fragile but yet so strong _

_Nightmares are something I should be a bit more yet I stil wake up in a hot flash_

_Sliently screaming as if no one alive can hear me or see me the invisible mute _

_Those bad dreams aren't real I know it will take time for me to heal_

_But at night some of my inner fears reveal themselves I woke up in tears _

_Ptsd practically beaten inside of me I'm afraid of getting abused again _

_One person I learned to trust over time the one adult I know won't ever abuse me_

_Shes become one of the most important to me who is lying next to me in bed as I'm writing this_

_I call her my mom outloud and in my head I care about her I love her so much _

_Thats why I'm not waking her up I don't want to be a burden and disrupt _

_Every once in a while I wonder if she'd be better without me and think about leaving_

_Running away and letting her get on with her life with her kids and wife _

_I spent most of my life being abused and hurt I had been raped sometimes I feel like I'm messing her life up and wonder why she even cares about me_

_Then I remember that to her I am one of her children now a part of her family _

_Deep inside I know that I'm afraid of loosing another mom of loosing my family _

_Theres only so many times you can patch something up before it becomes all patches_

_Before the glass shatters into billion peices to small to glue back together _

_I used to try and distance myself turn my emotions off so I wouldn't get hurt so much_

_Since I had been in foster care had been unsure if anyone would want me again_

_My little brother he was all I had other than myself he was the only person that loved me_

_I've always loved him unconditionally I tried to protect him back then we only had eachother_

_After a while I began to expect most people to automatically reject me and push me away _

_My mom is different instead she pushed me towards her she helped me up when I was down helped me turn my life around_

_Reached out gave me the love and support I needed she heard me to her I wasn't invisible _

_Sometimes I used to go out in poring rain and lie down on the ground soaking wet_

_I would lie there and cry shedding water along with the sky at times feeling as if I was one with the dirt_

_Because of my moms I know I'm worth something to someone for the first time in many years _

_They showed me I'm not disposable that I'm a good person at heart whos worth a lot to them, now I want to be alive_

_No matter what happens I know now my life is worth living I'm not going to give up on it_

_Growing up I never had teddybear to hold onto all I had was myself now I don't need a teddybear I have my mom to hug_

_The time shifts over the clock now desplaying 4am in glowing red I'm still sitting in bed_

_White pages lined blank for me to fill up the first page already filled with my tiny handwriting_

I looked back over what I had written it was deep some sad some of it happy but this is how I feel right now I put the joural next to the alarm clock It doesn't bother me if my mom reads it I'm planning on showing it to her anyways she said she wanted to see my poetry. Lying back down in bed curling up under the covers next to my mom feeling much better than when I first woke up I'm glad I released my emotions in a positive way. It shows me that I'm trying make my life better I'm not going to give up even if I for some reason I do end up running away again which I don't plan on doing again at least on my own right now. Shutting my eyes I try to clear my head so I can get some more sleep because 30 minutes isn't nearly enough I need at least a few hours otherwise I'll probably crash later well sweetdreams myself.(Callie falls asleep)

Over the course of the next 4 hours I wake up somewhere around 6-8 times having similar nightmares the alarm wakes me up I get up and shut it off seeing my mom stir I use the bathroom quickly, brushing my teeth putting on deoderant ,splashing water on my face trying to wake up a bit. "Good morning sleepy head!" I say practically jumping back onto the bed infront of her she lets noise "Can't I sleep in?" She says mumbling slightly "You did its 8am mom" I say in a slightly teasing voice. Her eyes open as she lookes around the room I can tell its unfamiliar to her by her eyes going a little wide "How did I get into bed?" She says confused. "You passed out standing up outside in the rain so I helped you to the room and tucked you into bed gave you a kiss on the hand and said goodnight, you were out cold for about 6 hours" I say.

"Wow I must of been really tired thats not good I passed out like that" She says looking at me "I was worried about you, One minute you were okay then you started slurring your speach a bit and then suddenly you passed out just like that, It's not easy walking an unconsious person to bed" I say crying slightly. I hug her wrapping my arms tight around her she hugs me back pulling me close "I'm sorry Callie" She says softly "Its okay you didnt do anything wrong mom I took care of you" I say looking up at her "Thank you" She says giving me a squeeze" . We lie there for a minute silent our arms locked around eachother I try not to cry part of me can sense shes in pain to probably from being away from Lena but then again she made the choice to leave.

"You should go get ready we have a hole day ahead of us" I say to her detaching myself from her "Yeah your right" She says getting up carrying her knapsack into the bathroom, I switch clothes quickly changing a pair of black stretch pants with pockets in front and a long sleve black shirt. I pick up the containers of pills and divide the 3rd bottle I set out a breakfast bar for Stef and wait for her to come back out before I eat mine, "Why don't the other kids get breakfast ready at home?" She says letting out a laugh we eat quickly. "Are you ready to try this stuff?" I say smiling slightly looking at my mom "Let's go with the flow" She says "Let me put on some music help set the mood I pull reach over pulling my mp3 out of my knapsack. I decide on "Ripple" by the grateful dead I hand my mom the other ear but and get out the ginerale. we put a sip of gingerale in our mouths 5 little reds down the hatch we repeat the process simotaniously until we've taken them all.

"I didn't know you liked the grateful dead" Stef says smiling "Are you a fan of Jerry Garcia too? I ask laughing "I like some of their music but then some of it's just plain ramblings" She says laughing "Thats true" I say put my mp4 player into charge seeings its a bit low on battery. "So what do you want to do while we wate for it to kick in?" Stef asks "We probably shouldn't go out until this stuff starts to wear off, T.V good with you?" I say closing the bottle of seltzer putting it back infront of the bed and throwing out the empty pill containers. "Sure let's see whats on" I don't see to much good on other than scooby doo "Cartoons okay with you?" I ask "Scooby Doo it is then" She smiles. I lie down in bed under the covers with my mom trying to remain relaxed and somewhat happy "Relax and enjoy the ride" I say "We're going to have a good time" She says smiling at me.


	6. Chapter 6

*Picks up where the last chapter left off

Before this stuff kicks in I feel like I need to get a few things off my chest "How did you sleep?" I ask a question leading up to part of what I want to talk about "I was out cold, What about you?" she asks me. "I have a lot of trouble sleeping to begin with but I only woke up about every 30 minutes, not a lot of sleep I was having some intense nightmares" I say trembling a bit "Are you okay sweetie?" She says tilting my head up looking into my eyes. Tears spill from my eyes once again "I love you so much mom" I say as I pull her back into a hug "I love you too my baby" she says holding my face in her hands then she kisses me on the forhead looking back at me with those big blue eyes a loving motherly look on her face smiling slightly. "I kept having a similar nightmare through out the morning that really bothered me much more than they usually do" I say holding onto her even tighter tears falling off my face she wipes my tears away running her hand through my hair.

"Do you want to talk about it Callie?" she says keeping eye contact with me "we we're in bed your eyes were wide open then suddenly I realized you were dead bleeding there was so much red then I realized I was dead too and Liam was standing over us he had killed both of us. I saw my body in a black garbage bag tossed out into a ditch in the woods thrown out like a peice of disposable worthless trash I kept seeing myself die differnt ways I kept seeing you die, I don't want to loose you mom" I say looking her straight in the eyes. "Oh Callie love(She pulls me into a tight hug) your not about to loose me nether of us is about to die I'm not about to leave you I promise" she says sqeezing me. "I don't know what I'd do without you" I say resting my head against her shoulder "We lived our whole lives up until recently without eachother not even knowing of one another but now that we're a part of eachothers lives we can't imagine life without eachother you and Jude filled the hole in my life" She says.

"It's because we care so much about eachother, Unconditional love honestly your the only person other than jude and my biological mother I remember ever saying they loved me, my biological mom she and my dad drank a lot. He used to get abusive when he drank sometimes they were just so wasted they couldn't take care of Jude and I" I say. "I'm sorry, your safe now I'm not about to let anyone abuse you again not if I can help it " She says to me I remove one hand from her reaching over for the notepad on the other side of the bed. "The first time I woke up this morning I wrote something you can read it if you want to" I say handing the notepad to her I wrap my arms back around her she opens it reading what I wrote.

The fact that I'm sharing my poem with her shows that I'm trying to be open slowly taking down the wall brick by brick, my mom and I are very much alike I've noticed that lately we're kind of two pea's in a pod even though we don't share the same dna. I space out for a few minutes looking at her glancing at the tv every so often. Scooby doo always has the same plot line though, some kind of supernatural or villan is doing funny buisness and in the end the gang catches the person behind it who's usually wearing a mask. After a minute she closes the notebook setting it back down on the nightstand "That was amazing very deep poetry your a great talented writer, I'm glad you shared that with me thank you even though some of that was sad and depressing you said a lot of kind things about me in there" shw says.

"Those are my honest feelings, I'm so grateful to have you in my life and Lena I'm happy you are my family, that last bit about the teddybear was probably a bit childish though" I say. "Come here love(Pulls me closer) nothing about that poem was childish the fact that you can write something like that shows that emotionally your not a broken kid anymore" she says "instead I'm a messed up teenager with severe ptsd" I say. "I love you no matter what and thats not going to change I'm your mom I'll always love you unconditionally as you said before we care about eachother" She says. Suddenly my vision became slightly sharper colors seemed slightly lighter I felt a feeling of happiness and euphoria setting in a relaxed light feeling a tad dizzy as if I had drank a little yet trippy and abstract with an increased awakeness/stimulation I noticed it seemed like the corner of the wall was moving slightly what a great feeling this is.

"Do you feel good because I feel pretty amazing right now and I just started coming up half a minute ago" I say laughing "I started coming up then too, thats interesting we both came up at the same exact time I feel pretty good too. It's almost like being slightly dizzy from a glass of wine but yet slightly stoned and trippy abstract at the same time the moodlift is intense so much happiness euphoria and relaxation even my vision seems a little brighter and clearer I feel more awake and stimulated" She says laughing too. "I described it to myself almost the exact same way! when I look in the upper corner of the wall it looks like it's moving slightly too" I say trying to control my giddyness "It looks like its moving slightly to me too, it's a bit dark outside but at least it stopped raining" She says. "We should go to the amusement park later on I can imagine it being so much fun" "Lets skip the rollercoaster though and ride the tilta-whirl instead!" She says bursting out random laughter.

"Thats fine by me I'm not a fan of rollercoasters ether, the tilta whirl is probably my favortie amusement park ride too" I say also having a random fit of laughter for a few seconds "You and I are so much alike sometimes it baffles me" she says looking at me grinning. "I love you mom" I say leaning in a tad I kiss her on the cheek that was the first time I had ever given my mom a kiss on her head I must be feeling really relaxed. She looks into my eyes with an even more motherly loving look on her face smiling she kisses me on my cheek "You're very precious to me Callie" She says looking into my eyes "So are you" I say returning the feeling. I start to feel the effects intensify a litte "This is just awesome like a leprechaun looking for its pot of gold in a burger king in ireland!" I say okay that was random rambling on my part.

At this point mom turns off the tv because were not watching it "Do you think there might be a portable speaker in the car or something?" I ask because it will be easier to listen to music that was rather than sharing one of my earbuds with her I . "I'm not sure I'll check the glove box, come on out with me for a minute" She says by this point were stumbling a bit sort of wandering to the car holding onto eachother for balance. She opens up the car and checks the glove box no speaker nothing in the trunk ether "Sorry love I see a convenice store a tiny bit off to the left across the street though it's only a minute or 2 walk tops" she says. I'm leary of crossing the street but we I figure its just across the street "Okay lets see if they have one then, we can pick up some coffee too" I say wondering how a little caffeine would effect this.

We stumble a little across the street trying to walk straight "This will work" she says picking up a smallish speaker "Okay now we need aa batteries" she walks up the isle with me till we find them the drinks are in the back unfortuanitly they don't really have any coffee. I settle for a moutian dew kickstart instead "Have you ever smoked a cigarette before?" I ask seeing the cigarettes upfront and becoming curious. "When I was a kid I tried it once, you know what lets try one of those e-cigarettes and a regualr pack of menthols pallmall 100's are cheap" she picks up a lighter at the cashier as we check out. "Can I have a blu e-cigarette menthol and a pack of pallmall 100's menthol" she says I guess because shes the one asking and paying they don't ask her for I.D or question her "the total is 25$" she hands the cashier the 25$.

Walking back across the street I feel this stuff hitting me a little heavy now we stumble back to the room staring out at nature for a few seconds before we go in "The sky looks vibrant grey" She says laughing "Is it just me or is this stuff starting to hit you a bit heavy too?" I ask. "Your not the only one it looks to me like everythings brighter clearer and sharper but moving slightly at the same time almost like an oldschool home film reel" She says "Your right come on lets get back in the room and put on some groovy tunes" I say laughing as we stumble into the room. Closing the door practically falling into the bed, I throw out the packaging from the speaker and put in the batteries unplugging my mp4 and putting the charger back in my knapsack then I plug the speaker in and put on "Obla-di Obla-Da" By the beatles.

I get up and start dancing 60's style stumbling singing belting out the lyrics laughing hard I reach out my hand to my mom trying to get her to dance with me she does for a few minutes but by the end of the song we both loose our balance falling on the ground. The curtians are closed we stumble to the bathroom looking at ourselves for a second "Our puples are dialated" Stef says trying not to laugh "Yeah like Oscar the grouch!" I say laughing. We fall back onto the bed once again I take the right side and she takes the left "Any color you like" By pink floyd is the next thing I put on I snuggle up to my mom we wrap our arms around eachother hugging tightly holding eachother feels so comforting and good right now. "I think we're peaking, The dark side of the moon is trippy" She says laughing "Yeah I think we're starting to peak too, Probably one of the trippiest albums ever made Pink floyd is far out" I say.

"I'm glad your enjoying the ride Callie" She says slurring her speach slightly prompting the next song I put on to be "Casey Jones" By the grateful dead I closed my eyes and I see Stef and I riding on a train with casey jones goofing around sticking our heads out the window. It's fun I see a talking apple try wave at me saying hello it tosses a few apples at us we catch them but when we take a bite there made out of cheesecake. The song ends I open my eyes looking at my mom "Did you see the train too?" I say slurring my speach a tad "I must be craving cheesecake for some reason" She says grinning "Well that answers my question" I say laughing. "There must really be something deep between us I mean having the same visuals? thats pretty far out" Stef says "Box of rain" by the grateful dead came on we close our eyes again enjoying the visual effects.


End file.
